another solstice
reflections on the past year and being in my side quest era
It’s so wild to me that I began this Substack on Solstice last year and I thought that that this was going to be my new project to start getting some parts of my life moving. Instead it’s mostly been sitting here unused and quiet for the majority of this past year. Nonetheless, I get new subscriber notifications every so often and I’m like… huh? Why? I appreciate the subscriptions though, don’t get me wrong, but I haven’t exactly been prolific this year.
I wanted to return back here though because despite it all, I do want to write! I want to practice this medium more and I want to share it with others, instead of just for myself. I’ve been using Tarot as a structure for my personal journaling that has been supportive in me writing more, and I’m going to figure out the systems and structures for this space eventually as well. Until that flow gets sorted though, we have a Solstice check-in.
I’ve been navigating a lot of transitions and transformations since I last shared in this space. Change is not inherently bad, of course, that’s why I choose composting as my path at this time, but these particular transitions have mostly felt hard and painful. That’s likely because since the fall, I’ve been navigating leaving a(nother) toxic workplace and confronting/leaving some abusive relationships. Difficult is any easy way to describe it, I suppose.
It’s feeling a little easier to write about it now, but back in the winter there were many days where I felt like the worst version of myself and felt a lot of shame about it. In the winter I watched the film Nosferatu and felt torn between feeling monstrous and also being a victim of the monster. I tried to write about it here, but it was too difficult to pull everything together because I was struggling with feeling creative — organized even. There were whole days where I felt just huge grief. Days of anger, where all I wanted to do was talk shit about the harmful people. But mostly I felt unfocused, listless and depressed. Experiencing prolonged harm is a confusing experience. What else can one do after except weep and rage?
Despite feeling monstrous at times and depressed at others, I knew from my previous experiences that I also needed to keep going. And that I needed to lean on my support systems. Since my Saturn return I have worked especially hard to find and build real community, and to create a life worth living, that I knew it was time to move. First I knew I had to start processing compost again. I found another garden, and began to support their winter compost collection and processing. I noticed the relief I had in not feeling any pressure to be there every week. It always seemed like there would be someone to do the work even if I couldn’t be there. I started to have many, many friend dates and made sure to celebrate them better. I applied and began a new job as a compost educator that requires me to travel to different parts of NYC regularly. There is something about whole days of walking that have helped me to process my shit in ways that being in my apartment is not able to. I got to see trees all over the city and experience various stages of flowers blooming and green returning in different pockets of Brooklyn, Manhattan & the Bronx which was life affirming and beautiful. I made sure to not miss lilac season this year despite leaving my land stewardship job because it has held a special place in my heart since 2022. I made a trip to Central Park with my partner tand visited a farm for its Lilac Festival. I traveled for pleasure for the first time in years, going to Fire Island again after a decade. There a few hours felt like a whole week.
I’ve experience a whole winter and spring since leaving those harmful spaces and now as we officially begin summer, post-birthday, I am recognizing a layer has come off. I am definitely mourning my relationship to land changing this year but I am also feeling gratitude in being in this current season and knowing that all seasons are temporary and will likely return. Sometimes I forget everything I’ve experienced and then it all snaps back sharply to remember that I have been grieving far beyond these past few months, This remembrance allows me to notice how much I’ve grown too. I am out of those toxic spaces and experiences. Even if the grief and anger since have been difficult, ultimately the hardest part of it all was enduring the harm.
Right now I get to experience some spaciousness in my life/energy/being, what a blessing to be here. A dear friend asked me on my 35th birthday what I am looking forward to in this upcoming year, and it was hard to really envision anything in that moment except knowing that I am starting a new chapter where I have more freedom to experiment and explore. I had been getting locked into other peoples’ dreams and other peoples’ lives and my world was beginning to feel dull, so now I am searching for whatever sparks my joy and my creativity again. My friend called this my “side quest era” which cracked me up, but also a succinct and accurate naming of this period.
I still have parts of my learnings that I’m not totally utilizing and I would like to figure out how to integrate that into my life and work. There is also the state of the world of it all. I feel sorrow in navigating the limitations that this current iteration of society is trying to put onto all of us and the deep harm that we are witnessing at this time. May we see a free Palestine (& Kashmir) in our lifetime. All I can do is be present in the now and what I know. I know I will be organizing a guided plant identification walk through my mutual aid group this summer, letting myself step into my herbalist self more fully. I will organize a preserving the harvest event with another comrade to cultivate that self further. I also need to move into a new space this summer and be at the ocean and wear more sunscreen. I need to get more organized with others, to protect my neighbors better.
My side quest era has been ongoing since the end of 2020, honestly. It just has a name to it now. I am excited to be starting my next side quest and we’ll see where this one takes me. Sending love and protection to all of you this Solstice. May we achieve more liberation for our Earth-kin in this lifetime. Asë.
Side Quest Era 🫂 💜 happy solstice. 🌳🌴🌞Tuning into ur share reminded me that it’s necessary to put our needs and what we want first. You that bihhhh always 🪱🐛🪨… hope to see u in analog soon.