composting doubt

handling uncertainty within the cycles of life & death

I am currently in a cycle of composting and clearing out that has me working through a lot of doubt. This composting work feels quite big, I’m talking about working through childhood wounds big, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by the doubt! But I am. I am trying to stay true to my values, to be discerning. But when is it time to let go, when is it time to keep going? I’m not feeling very sure. How am I supposed to have confidence in my choices right now when I’m struggling to see all the lines clearly?

the compost pile last week

I quit therapy earlier this year. Partially because I could no longer afford it, but mainly because I was finding diminishing returns in that space. Eventually the reality of therapy was that the problem of living in a racist capitalist settler state was not going to get fixed in that space. So why should I be paying someone to keep reflecting on it and trying to cope with it? My time and money could be better spent on other things. So after 9 years, I no longer have a therapist to talk to - a person who is specifically there to validate and reflect on my life with. This is a big change for me as I navigate this particular cycle, I’m realizing, and it is also not the reason I’m struggling with confidence in myself. In fact, it brings me some confidence! I chose to divest from that system of care for myself because I felt like I could do my life without that specific support. I had enough support when I made that choice and I still do today, even as I struggle right now to sit in my confidence. I have the support I need as I navigate my decisions in this current cycle.

I am reflecting on therapy, also, because I started it in 2015 to begin creating a meaningful life for myself. A dear friend had died the year before I began that work from suicide and it was a wake up call for myself — I was not happy in my life. So I spent the last nine years of my life making a lot of decisions to create that meaningful life that I was struggling with in 2015. When I quit, I realized I had created that meaningful life. My days are worth living despite the struggle. For me, a meaningful life has looked like embracing my queerness, moving into abolition work, moving away from corporations and computer work towards community and Earth work, embracing my sovereignty and rejecting authority, integrating my family, my ancestry into my future. My values are grounded in sharing, in loving, in trying, in reciprocity, in creativity, in the land, in transformation, in grief. Each time I make a decision or choice, I try to center these values. But I am not perfect. I fear being pedestaled by others. I fear being taken advantage of. I fear being harmed. I fear harming others. I fear the judgement of others. This is where much of my doubt stems from. After all these things have happened before. Yet still, I’ve been decisive many times too. I’ve let go relationships, I’ve started and led successful projects, I’ve left environments that were harmful. I’ve chosen the right thing for myself many times over. I have not always predicted when something may fall apart, when it suddenly may not be worth my energy. I have simply learned to listen deeply, regularly and allow the flow of the Universe to support my journey thus far.

This morning I received a reminder around confidence and doubt in my daily card pull. I pulled Black Walnut from the Dirt Gems deck. Black Walnut is called “Ladder to the Stars” in this deck. The description starts with, “The crones, the elders, and the wise ones turn to Black Walnut for situations that require the most delicate and discerning advice. Black Walnut is a canopy tree, growing straight and tall toward the light, with wood that is dense and beautiful… But while Black Walnut is generous and dignified, they are also the discerner and the expeller.” Later in the description, the word doubt shows up. “Black Walnut says, Doubt cannot guide you. Trust in what you already know to be true.” So what do I already know to be true? I already know I have learned from my mistakes before. I already know I am self-correcting faster than I have previously. I already know that I am capable of working through big conflicts. I already know that I understand myself, my triggers, my unhealed wounds more than I used to. I already know that I have made it through deeply uncertain moments with my values intact. I already know I can protect myself incredibly well. I have done it all before and I can do it all again. I have to trust in that.

black walnut in dirt gems

Perhaps these doubts are coming up stronger than before because we are approaching eclipse season, and it will be in the sign of Pisces — a sign that is prominent in my natal chart. When we were last in eclipse season around March 2024 I was finishing up my spiritual herbalism course, presenting on my walk with marshmallow during winter. I am no longer walking with marshmallow like that, but still the lessons from that walk and that last eclipse season are showing up prominently for myself today as I write this post.

If you have never worked with marshmallow, then a little information: Marshmallow is a beautiful, tall, flowering plant that supports gentle flow. It’s a mucilaginous plant that helps to soothe irritated mucous membranes around your body, so it is often used to soothe the mouth, throat, esophagus and stomach. Marshmallow is gentle, cooling and a little sweet. Marshmallow grows in the marsh, a confusing and somewhat chaotic environment - a transitory space between life and death. In my presentation, I spoke on marshmallow’s capacity to thrive in this space. “Much like the ecology of the marsh, these [healing & growth] processes can have moments that feel stagnant, confusing and challenging. And yet life flourishes in the marsh. The cycles keep on turning. Death leads to birth leads to death. Althea oficianalis is at home in the marsh. It thrives in the uncertainty, in seemingly stagnant waters. In the marsh is where it has learned to heal. In the marsh is where its flowers form. In the marsh is where it stands tall.”

There is uncertainty, yes. There are parts that feel stagnant, yes. But I am well-supported. I have the capacity to discern with a delicate touch. There are many truths I can trust in to guide me forward. And my values are mine alone. Though I may share many with people in my life, I have a unique set of values that support my particular growth that others may not be able to understand and hold. Doubt and uncertainty are parts of the cycles, just as the growth and healing, as the shedding and expelling. If the marshmallow is able to stand tall with all its gentleness and sweetness in that environment then so can I.

planting seeds